My Epilepsy story

Hi there, my name is Hadley, and here is my story. 

Have you ever had a moment where everything changed? My first seizure did that for me. It was the scariest moment of my life. It still is.

June 22, 2021, was just a normal summer day. I was trying to get ready for a dentist appointment and brushing my teeth and hair. The world seemed dizzy, and I didn't think about anything, just kept getting ready. The dizziness got worse. I fell. I go down, my head makes an impact with the bathroom counter. I was out, lost in the black. Trapped. I finally started coming back to reality. I woke up to six EMTs around me. They were checking my heart rate and my blood and seeing if I had any broken pieces. My Mom was there, like she always is for me. The whole time, she was as scared as I was. While I was trapped in the darkness, I could hear what was happening. When I had a seizure, they called 911. My mom tried everything to get me to stop shaking, foaming at the mouth, and trying to get my eyes to stop going back. It was not easy for her. It never has been. They took me to the hospital, and it was during COVID. I was alone for a while, so scared. We were stuck in the hospital for six hours. Test after test, blood draw after blood draw. The diagnosis is epilepsy. 

Learning to live with that diagnosis has been difficult. More than difficult, immense. Heavy. I have to think about what I am doing all the time. I question the situations I am in. I question the decisions I am making. Will this choice lead to another seizure? Will I lose another part of my childhood, trapped in the darkness? It affects my relationships with my peers. It brings anxiety to my family and to me. Those moments have also made me stronger. More resilient. It has made me appreciate the good days and look forward to special moments that shine over that darkness. Knowing this has changed me a lot. I realized that I might have epilepsy, but I'm like everyone else. I might look at life differently because of Epilepsy, but the struggles I have make me stronger. Depression is a big thing for someone who has Epilepsy. People with epilepsy are more likely to develop depression and other mood disorders, even before and after their first seizure. Now I'm not one to talk about my depression, but my depression has become worse and worse throughout the last couple of years. I was really never depressed before my epilepsy, but once I heard the doctor say, “Your daughter has epilepsy, “. It was almost like I was in a movie.e I was scared to tell my friends about my epilepsy. I was scared to ask for help. I was afraid of having another seizure without even knowing. I was scared of waking up in the hospital again. I was scared of waking up and seeing my mom crying because I had a seizure. I was scared to be myself, to be normal, but then I came to the conclusion that I don’t have to be normal, I don’t have to be like others, I can just be myself. Yeah, I have seizures, but that doesn’t make me not normal. Anxiety is a big thing for me when it comes to my epilepsy; it's the number one thing that leads to seizures, because I started to have an anxiety attack because of something small that happened at school, and I make it seem like it's a big thing in my head.